This is my second draft
Many people do not know the true story of dogs . . . but I do.
Long ago, dogs used to talk. Yes, yes, sure they speak their own language now, like “growl,” which means “back off, and “roof,” which means “feed me,” and “eerrrrrrrrrr” which of course means “Sorry I ate your shoe.” But dogs used to speak to humans in the human tongue. How do I know this? Good question, but it is not important for now, as we’ll get to that later.
A very long time ago in human years, and a very very very very very very very long time ago in dog years, dogs and humans used to hunt together, eat together, and even talk together. They talked when they woke up in the morning, and when they ran after deer in the grasslands. They talked in the moonlight under the stars, and around the campfire while they roasted marshmallows. They talked while working and while relaxing, but over time, the dogs even began to talk to the humans during the night when they should have been sleeping. The dogs went on and on, mostly about cats, but also about squirrels, rats, frisbees, squeaky toys, and just eating in general. They talked so much at night that during the day they were sleepy and they failed at their daily activities, including hunting! The more dogs spoke, the less food the humans had to eat.
The starving humans, in fear for their lives, called for a secret meeting (without the dogs, that is). The chief human, named Human, said that the dogs and their talking were a major pest, and that drastic measures were necessary.
“If da dogs keep on talkin’ soooo much, we’se gonna starve ta death,” Human said. “We just gotsta do something.”
So they kicked the dogs out of their camp, and they replaced them with cats. The dogs were furious. They could not sleep at night they were so mad. They could not eat at night (though they did eat during the day still). In fact, the dogs were so mad they did not even make a sound. Not one! Meanwhile, the humans were covered with scratches and scars and bruises from the evil cats. It turned out that the cats were not too cooperative in the hunt, and they wouldn’t share the food after the hunt. The humans kicked the cats out of camp too.
The leader of the humans, Human, and the leader of the dogs, Chien, realized they needed one another, and they got together one night for a meeting. Human said, “Ya can come back and live wit us, but foist we’se gotsta lay down sum ground rules. Der can be absolutely no mo talking at night, as we’se needs ya dogs ta be good hunters in da day so we’se can eat.”
Chien replied, “My dear Human, while I find your proposition repulsive, we canines may agree to try to cease conversing, but under one primary condition: we will and must be relieved of all work. Humans shall feed us and we shall from now on do no work whatsoever.”
Human was angry, and said, “We’se do much of the work, butchya dogs, if ya’s stays at home, must do all da chores, likes cooking, likes cleaning, and likes da laundry. Plus no’sa talkin’, an dats dat.”
Chien said “You, my good sir, are insane. We canines shall do no such things.”
Human said, “Could ya at least quit chewin’ up my toys?”
For Chien and the dogs, this was a deal breaker.
After much arguing, in the end, the two sides agreed. The dogs would talk, but only in Roof! Roof! Bark! Growl!, which translates, “Dog Language.” The humans would do all of the work as long as the dogs remained quiet, at least most of the time. The dogs could still make noises when they were scared, or when they wanted some love and attention.
And that is the story about how dogs once spoke in the human tongue, but now speak their own dog language. How do I know all of this? Because I am a dog.
